why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
