Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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