I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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