I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
