Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
