just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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