That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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