Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
