Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
