I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
