Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
