Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
