Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
