I'm lost and stupid without you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
