I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
