Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
