Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
