just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
