You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I believe in your delicious
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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