He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
