Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
