i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
