Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
foreskin is a definite game changer
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
sex in a hospital.. check
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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