i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
