I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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