i was born a porn star she said
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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