is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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