my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
His nipple licking is glorious
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