Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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