I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
