the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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