its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
