im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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