it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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