Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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