we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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