I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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