This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
