I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
