a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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