Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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