I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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