Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
