Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
