proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
