okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
