My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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