fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
