So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
