shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
