I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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